Death and Taxes
by Spoon Luv
Summary: The Intergalactic Revenue Service has shut down the Trade Federation because Nute Gunray owes over 50,000 in taxes! Gunray has no choice but to turn to the Jedi for help... R/R Please


Death and Taxes

By Spoon Luv

AUTHOR'S NOTE: These characters are copyrighted by some big Hollywood corporation that I don't really give two craps about. I'm just using them in my story. Enjoy!

"This does not add up!" Muttered Nute Gunray in frustration, as he shuffled his tax papers around. "We could not have spent this much!"

"If I may say so, Viceroy, we did build 20,000 new Destroyer Droids and 50,000 new Battle Droids this year alone." Said T-C14.

"I know, but I thought I had that covered!" Nute shuffled more papers around. "This is not good." Suddenly he saw a charge that made him jump. "Rune! Did you have a Jacuzzi installed in the ship?" He screamed.

"Umm, umm, umm…" Rune stuttered. "I think so…"

"YOU IDIOT!" Nute screamed him right out of the main control room. He turned back to the papers. "If the IRS finds out about this, they will shut us down." He whispered. "I must consult Lord Sidious."

He sent a call message to Couruscant, but the Sith lord didn't respond. He sent two more, and finally Darth Sidious appeared before them.

"What is so important that you had to call me away from my duties?" He snarled.

"Um, what duties, my lord?" asked Nute in puzzlement. A voice out of view answered him.

"Oh, Sidious, come back to bed!"

"In a minute… What do you want, Viceroy?"

"Our taxes are all messed up!" Said Gunray. "I fear that the IRS will intervene."

"I cannot help you." Said Darth Sidious.

Then another voice said, "Oooh, are all Sith Masters this long?"

"I must go." Said Sidious. If you need help you must look elsewhere." Before Nute could reply, the image disappeared.

"Perfect!" Muttered Nute. "I'm about to be audited, and my Master is on the job. This is no good." He turned. "Rune! Where is that Jacuzzi? I need to relax!"

Meanwhile, in the Fett, Fett, and Fortuna Tax office…

"Boba! We got the newest stats in!" Said Bib Fortuna, coming into the office.

"Excellent." Said the bounty hunter. "Anything outstanding?"

"There is one thing, sir…" Fortuna pointed a long, bony finger at a document. "The Trade Federation owes a hefty amount in taxes. They are backed up for over 2 years."

"This cannot happen." Said Boba with authority. "I must notify the Intergalactic Revenue Service at once!"

3 days later, back on the Federation Command Ship…

Nute Gunray was playing "Super Mario Bros." on the ship when the buzzer to the main airlock rang.

"Blast! Just when I reached world 8-4!" Growled Gunray, but he turned his NES off and went to see who it was. He hadn't even gotten close to the door, when it exploded in a white hot blast.

"What the…???"

A troop of armor-clad bounty hunters marched in. One of them, in a different colored uniform, approached Gunray.

"Sir, I'm Snesly Wipes with the Intergalactic Revenue Service." He said, showing a badge.

"Ummm, can I help you?" Asked Gunray nervously.

"I believe you can. We're here to seize the assets out of what you owe in taxes."

"But, but…!!!"

"There's no 'buts' Gunray. You've been avoiding paying taxes for over 2 years. Boys, take everything you can lift."

Gunray watched in horror as the IRS agents took everything, including almost all his droids! They also took his NES, his computer, and models he had built of X-wings! Then they turned and marched toward the exit.

"Don't let them get away!" Cried Gunray. "Close the blast doors!"

The IRS rep. smiled. "We own the blast doors. You still owe 10,000 in taxes, Mr. Gunray. We'll see you in court."

"SON OF A BITCH!"

R2-D2 and C-3P0 were watching the news in Anakin and Padme's house in Theed City.

"In other news, the Trade Federation was shut down by the IRS today after the IRS learned that they owed over 50,000 credits in taxes! The Viceroy of the Trade Federation, Nute Gunray, was not available for comment, but we do know that he is QUITE pissed. Okay, now over to Salacious Crumb for the sports scores…"

"Oh dear, that's such a shame." Said C-3PO.

"Ah, he was a bastard." Said R2-D2. (Translated)

"He didn't seem that bad to me…"

"Dude, he tried to take over our planet! He tried to kill the queen! Where were you during episodes 1 and 2, ya idiot?" (Translated)

"How rude!" cried 3PO. Suddenly there was a loud crash from inside. "What could that have been?"

"Jar Jar is still trying to figure out how to use the coat rack." R2 answered.

"Oh, I see."

To further back R2's answer up, they heard a voice from inside… "Okay, wesa get it this time, okie-day? Hmmm…whooooaaaa!!!!" CRASH!!!

Nute Gunray and Rune sat on the street in a poor neighborhood of Couruscant, along with the 5 Battle Droids they had left. They had no money, no ship, no nothing. The IRS had it all.

"This sucks my nuts." Mumbled JK-X13.

"Droids don't have nuts." Said TK-921.

"Good point."

"I'm hungry." Rune whined. "I need food."

"It looks like we'll have to become criminals." Said Nute sadly. "We have no other option."

"What if we ask somebody for help?" Offered T-C14.

Gunray snorted. "Who would help people like us?" But then he looked around at the squalor around him, and he realized that his protocol droid may be right.

Palpatine sat in front of Anakin and Padme in their bedroom, giving them a talk.

"You WILL wait until you're married." He said, waving his hand before them.

"We will wait until we're married." They repeated.

"You don't want to have kids too early."

"We don't want to have kids too early."

"Episode 3 isn't until 2005."

Before they could respond, they heard a knock at the front door.

"Who is it?" called Anakin.

"Umm… Fuller Brush?" said the voice outside.

Padme got up and looked through the peep hole. "It's a Battle Droid!!"

"What???" Anakin jumped up and activated his lightsaber. "The Trade Federation is after us again! How many droids are there?"

"Just one."

Anakin was puzzled. "Only one?" He went to the door. "Why are you here?" He called.

"I am on an errand from Viceroy Gunray." The droid replied.

"What errand?"

"He has requested your assistance."

Anakin turned to Padme and Palpatine. "Our assistance? What could they want from us?" 

He reluctantly opened the door and the battle droid walked in.

"Come in." Said Anakin. "You want a beer or something?"

"What are you, stupid or something?" The droid asked.

"Huh?"

"Never mind. The Trade Federation has a rather messy tax situation."

"How messy?" Asked Palpatine.

"We've been shut down because we owe 50,000 in taxes."

"That IS messy." Said Padme.

"Yes. He has requested the aid of the Jedi."

"He did? Nute Gunray wants help from US?" said Anakin in disbelief.

"Yes. Will you help us?"

After a few moments, Anakin said "Sure, I guess."

"Come on, son, I'll take you to Couruscant." Said Palpatine, standing up.

"Umm, I don't have a father." Said Anakin in puzzlement.

"Right. I didn't just say that. Come on."

They arrived at Couruscant in 3 hours. "You go to the Jedi Temple." Said Palpatine. "I'll get some other help." 

"Okay. Come on, sweetheart." Said Padme, and she took Anakin's hand and they went down the street.

Palpatine put on his Sith outfit and went to where Darth Maul was buried.

"My apprentice…" He said to the spirit of Darth Maul, "You are dead, and cut in two, but I shall revive you. I will be back shortly."

He went to the Staples in a city in Couruscant and bought 500 boxes of Scotch Tape, then went back to the grave and started working.

2 hours later…

Darth Maul rose to his feet. "Uhhh…I feel so strange…"

"That's because you were cut in half, Lord Maul." Said Palpatine. "But I fixed you."

"Um, thank you. Why?"

"We must help the Trade Federation."

"Are we still on Naboo?" Asked Maul.

"No. We are back on Couruscant. Go meet Anakin and Padme, and I'll join you shortly."

"Padme? The Queen??? Isn't she who we're after? She hasn't signed that God damn treaty yet!!!"

Palpatine smiled. "A lot has happened since you split on us, my young apprentice."

"That's not funny." Said Darth Maul, glaring at him.

"Sorry. Come on, let's go."

Palpatine and Darth Maul got Count Dooku, and all the cloners from Kamino to join them, and then they went to find Anakin and Padme.

They found them both in an alley, with Anakin on top. You know what I mean.

"Children, children!! Not time for this now!" Cried Palpatine.

They jumped to their feet. "Um, sorry, Palpatine…???"

Palpatine noticed Anakin's puzzlement. "Um, sorry." He quickly took his hood off. I have some help with me. Did you get anybody?"

"Um, yeah we got every Jedi we could get, plus the Jedi council."

"How typical." Darth Maul grunted.

Anakin glared at him.

"Where are they?"

"They're at the club downtown. Let's get them."

The whole group entered the noisy club and split up to look for the Jedi. This is where they found them.

Yoda: Sitting at the bar, holding his glass up. "Another Cosmo, bring to me now!"

"Master Yoda, come on we gotta go!" Said Anakin.

"Are you, who the hell?" wheezed Yoda. "Know you, I don't!"

Palpatine pulled him off the stool.

Mace Windu: Extreme dancing with a Jawa stripper.

"Windu, what the hell are you doin'?" Cried Anakin.

"I'm getting my groove on." Said Windu without looking up.

"We have work to do, remember?"

"Yeah, and I'm doin it now."

Palpatine glared at him sternly. "Either you come with us now, or I'll tell everyone here why you were the only one to order a purple lightsaber."

Windu immediately went with Palpatine.

They found the rest of the Jedi in the back, stoned out of their gourds. But they took them anyway and dragged them back to where Gunray and the droids were waiting.

"Wow!" Said Gunray to JK-X12. "When I asked you to get help, you overdid it!" Then he noticed Palpatine with them. "Lord Sidious! What are…"

"Lord Sidious? What???" Asked Anakin.

"Nothing, nothing." Said Palpatine quickly. "Come on, let's get the Trade Federation back in business."

As everyone went towards the subway, Palpatine pulled Gunray aside. "Just call me Palpatine for now, okay? Please…"

2 hours later, at the Fett, Fett, and Fortuna Tax Office…

Boba Fett sad playing "Battle for Naboo" on N64 when the door burst open. He jumped up. "What the hell?"

Then all the Jedi and all the Sith people poured into the office, lightsabers drawn.

"Ummm… uh oh." Boba Fett whispered.

"Let's get them!" Said Count Dooku, and everyone ran forward.

"STOP!" Said Anakin. "We can't yet!"

Everyone seemed puzzled.

Anakin turned his head. "Hey Williams! Make with the music already!"

John Williams woke up. "Oh yes, yes…I'm sorry." He raised his baton, and the London Symphony Orchestra started playing "The Duel of the Fates."

"Alright, NOW we can attack!" Said Anakin, and the whole army proceeded to go postal on the whole tax office. But a few minutes through, Anakin stopped them again.

"This is too easy! Aren't there supposed to be bad guys stopping us?" He turned his head again. "Yo Spoon! What the hell are you doing? You just gonna let us win?"

"Dude, South Park comes on in five minutes." Spoon Luv's voice echoed.

"I don't give a rat's ass!" Shouted Anakin. "You make this a challenge or else!"

Spoon sighed… "All right, I'll edit this…hang on."

"What the hell?" Cried Boba Fett as all the Jedi and all the Sith poured into the office. "Attackers? Hah! Guards!"

A whole mass of IRS officers swarmed into the office as well.

"Much better." Said Anakin. "Let's fight!"

What followed was a bloody battle, and the Jedi and Sith kicked everyone's ass, of course. Let's see some events from during the battle.

A blast from an IRS officer's gun nicked Mace Windu's arm.

"Ow, that was rude, you silly goose!" Said Mace Windu.

Yoda was locked in battle with another officer. "Hurry up, we must. Last for only 15 minutes more, will my sugar rush."

Jar Jar Binks was kicking ass as well. "Mesa so glad I tooka those Tai Quon Do classes! Take that, okie day!" He kicked an officer in the stomach, and his foot went right through. "Uh-oh!"

Finally, all that remained was Boba Fett. Everone got ready to kill him, but Anakin stopped them.

"What's wrong?" they asked.

"The Force tells me it's not time for him to die yet."

"When does he die?" Asked Padme.

"All I can sense is something about Tatooine and Jabba the Hutt…" He closed his eyes to sense more. "Whoa! There's a scantily clad girl there too! Honey, she looks like you a little bit!"

"What???"

Boba Fett said, "Thanks for letting me go. But Gunray is still in debt."

"Can you prove it?" Asked Darth Maul.

"Um…." Fett looked around at the destroyed file cabinets. "Whatever! Do whatever you want! I don't care anymore!" He activated his jetpack and took off.

Everyone cheered.

"I think the Jedi, the Sith, and the Trade Federation should form an alliance." Said Anakin.

"That's a good idea." Said Nute Gunray.

"Um, Master, I need some more tape. I'm coming apart again." Said Darth Maul. Palpatine passed him the roll. "Thank you."

"Well, let's all go to Greedo's Grub for pizza!" Said Anakin.

"HOORAY!"

EPILOGUE

"You want me to do what???" asked John Williams in disbelief.

"You heard me." Said George Lucas. "Combine the Droid Invasion, The Imperial March, and the Force Theme."

"George, if I may say so…that will sound AWFUL."

"Do it!"

The next week, John Williams listened as the London Symphony Orchestra played the combination theme. He quickly put on his earmuffs and kept thinking, "I'm getting paid for this…I'm getting paid for this… I'm getting paid for this…"

THE END!

This story written by Spoonie Luv from Up Above

Email at: Spoonieluv2187@hotmail.com


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